"Darling Does Dallas" or, "Did You See That Naked Baby in the Ikea Parking Lot?"

*Warning.  If bathroom humor, or the word "poop" is offensive to you, stop reading right now.  I will be saying the word "poop" a lot.  Poop.  see?  poop!  there I go again...


It's Murphy's law.   That's the only explanation.  It can't be reasoned away by any other means.  Harrison rarely has diaper blowouts.  Very rarely.  Hardly spits up.  Is practically perfect in every way.  But the second we leave the state line and arrive in Texas, WHAM!  poop.  poop.  and more poop.

Now don't misunderstand me, not an unhealthy amount of poop, I didn't take a sick baby away for the weekend,  it was all normal poop.  It was just unusual poop.  Special poop.  Talented poop.  It traveled.  Meandered down his fat little thigh.  Snuck up his back to his shoulder blades.  It boldly went where no poop has gone before.

My husband and I left the bigger boys with his parents for the weekend (thank you God for blessing us with such grandparents) while we went to Dallas for Christmas shopping with our good friends, Dave and Annie and their little guy, Will.  We had a wonderful time.  It was like a dream to get away for a couple of days.  And I took the most perfect baby in the world.  He is so good, so easy to travel with.  Harrison is so good natured, he makes everyone he meets smile.  So happy, so sweet.  He's my little Christmastime accessory.  He just laid in the stroller cooing at everyone.  Kicking his chubby legs in excitement at every new sight.  Flailing a fat little fist in greeting at every friendly face.  That is, when he wasn't pooping all over everything in the entire world.  

Over the course of the weekend, I had to throw away two onesies and bring one back poopy (because it was so cute I couldn't throw it away.).  I'm lucky that I brought two outfits for every day that we were there because he pooped all over everything in the entire world.

He pooped on two big Dallas malls and Ikea.  (Maybe he is making a statement about capitalism and the corruption of the Christmas Holiday.  He's very deep for a 4 month old.)

I went out to the car while Chris was checking out at Ikea to feed and change Harrison.  When I went to change him, he had, of course pooped all over everything in the entire world.  
Well, not really the entire world, just all over him.  Chris came out to the car and had to help me clean him up.  This was a two man job.  Seriously.

With no place to lay him down, partly because we were in the parking lot, partly because any place that I  could lay him down on was now piled high with Ikea goodies, and partly because he was had pooped all over everything in the entire world, Chris ended up holding him up in midair so I could wipe him down.

So there we are.  In the Ikea parking lot.  Chris, holding a naked, poopy, flailing infant out in front of him, trying to hold him up high enough so that I could see all the nooks and crannies to clean, while at the same time keeping him low enough so people in the parking lot wouldn't think we were trying to sell him.  (By the way, if you are concerned about the naked, flailing infant outside in a parking lot, don't be.  It was, like 70 degrees that afternoon, and I work fast.  This is my third baby, you know.)  And me, wiping Harrison down as fast as I could, like those guys who change the tires really fast at the Nascar races.

And the moral of the story is...  Don't be too quick to judge the next time you see a naked baby in a parking lot.  And, thank God for baby wipes.

Mariah, Officer First Class, Order of Poop Patrol


Anonymous said...

Lol Mariah, I have to say. I love your blogs. I'm always sure to smile when I see you've written something new. You are very gifted with words too. "Baby Poop" blog is hilarious as are all of your others. Hope to see you soon and to read more from your thoroughly entertaining life! Love you much!

Anonymous said...

Can't figure this profile thing out without it getting complicated but the "anonymous" above and here is Skyler Lol

April Irvin said...

This is my favorite post. You could make a whole TV show on that event. Like the middle or even Sienfield with babies. Loved Loved Loved it. We have all been there and I would have been able to tell if the parents of that naked baby were pros or not. So funny!!! Poop Happens sometimes clear up the back even!

Melanie said...

I was really laughing out loud on that one!

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