First Day of Kindergarten

I couldn't bring myself to blog yesterday...

I was too busy crying.

For reals.

Yesterday was my Lucas boy's first day of kindergarten.

I didn't expect that to suck quite so much.

But it did, Gentle Reader.  It really, really did.

Wednesday afternoon around 4:00 my stomach was in knots.  I felt jittery and nauseous.  I couldn't relax.  Lucas seemed fine though...  Not that he would tell us if he was upset...  not his style.  That's okay, I was nervous enough for the both of us.

Thursday morning, he looked at me with bright eyes and said, "First day of school?"  For the last couple of days I had been acting out a scene in Finding Nemo where Nemo is excited about starting school and says excitedly, "First day of school!  First day of school!"  So I did it.  I danced around, saying my lines, pretending to be a happy little clownfish.  But it was all an act.  My heart wasn't in it at all.

I made a special breakfast of pancakes and green eggs (all the eggs at our house have to be green lately, it's a Dr. Seuss phase.) and packed my big boy's lunch.

I had definite opinions about what kind of a lunch box Lucas would have, but my husband talked me into letting Lucas pick out his own.  I had envisioned a simple one with his name on it, maybe in colors that would match his backpack.  But no.  How silly.  Lucas picked out a brightly colored, garishly loud beacon of hologram Toy Story-ness.  Of course he did.  I cringe every time I see it.  But like Chris reminds me, the lunchbox is for Lucas, not me.

okay, fine.

So I packed little man's lunch, and slipped a love note inside his ugly special lunchbox.  Kindergarten isn't too cool to get love notes from your Mom, is it?

Chris stayed home with the little boys so I could take Lucas to school sans entourage.  I felt nervous, excited, happy, proud and sick to my stomach as we were walking up to the school.  I could tell Lucas was feeling the same way, because he started talking in his Yoda voice, and he saves that for special nervous-happy-proud-sick-to-my-stomach situations.

Man, I miss having access to a big laminating machine...

There was a hook with his name on it for his backpack, and fresh play dough at his desk.  All was right in the universe.

I didn't need to worry about Lucas.  Without even hugging me goodbye, or waving a farewell, or clutching tearfully to my leg, he turned and made himself at home in the reading corner.  Seriously.  How can I compete with the reading corner?

Look!  More garish lunchboxes.  Those moms' husbands talked them into letting their kids pick out their own lunchboxes too. huh.  Looks like we both shop at Target.

Ummm...  Lucas?  Mommy is leaving now.  Hey.  Lucas.  Lucas.  I'm leaving.  Hey.  Put down The Cat in the Hat.  I'm leaving now.  Hey.  Hey, pay attention to me.  Your mother, the one who gave birth to you is leaving you all alone at school.  With strangers.  Lucas.  Lucas?


He was totally fine.  I had to work pretty hard at getting his attention to give me a hug goodbye.

I made it out of the classroom.  I made it down the hallway.  I made it to my car.  And while I was driving back home, I saw the last five years flash before my eyes.  I saw all the the moments I wasted.  The days I should have spent more wisely.  The afternoons I squandered.  I saw all the ways I didn't do enough, the innumerable times I could have, should have done better.

And then I completely lost it.

It occurred to me that starting today, and every day for the rest of his life, someone would be spending more of his waking hours with him than I would.

And then I lost it again.

I stumbled into the house sobbing and blubbering about home school.

"Wow.  And this month, a very special edition of Mom Guilt Magazine."  Chris said when he hugged me.  That's what he calls it whenever I have my "I'm not a good enough mom" meltdowns.  It happens, friends.  But thankfully, there was a funny Max and a squishy Baby Harry to take the edge off.  I'm not saying the rest of the day was tear free...  but there was plenty of sunshine with my two little boysies.

Then look who climbed into the old Honda Pilot at 3:30!  Well, closer to 3:45...  That was a seriously long pick up your kids from school line.  woo-ee-doggies.

Time for a celebratory shaved ice to commemorate the day.  I think Lucas is going to be just fine. I'm going to be okay too.

 Shaved ice makes everything better.